Monday, March 8, 2010

Gary: Landlord of the Flies

Gary: Landlord of the Flies, also known as Stranger than Eviction, is a blog chronicling Gabe's fight to get his security deposit back from his landlord and the exploits which take place during the struggle.

You see, Gabe was just your typical tenant living in a suburb of Chicago. He thought the landlord was a bit odd, but at $500 a month, the room was almost too good to pass up. Then along came Gary, but I'll let Gabe tell the story. Below is his very first post and overview of the blog.

"I am making this site to chronicle the craziest living situation I have ever taken part in. In the month that I subletted a room in this house in St. Charles (a suburb of Chicago), the police have come 5 times, my landlord has been handcuffed twice, and one roommate has been hospitalized. The focus is on my crazy landlord, Gary. Gary is a 63 year old, currently unemployed, overweight, homeowner who enjoys a frequent alcoholic beverage and cigarette. I believe he had bought this house with the intention of selling it for a quick profit. This did not work out, and last I’ve heard the house is going under foreclosure in September [2009]."

Upon finding the blog, I flew through the posts and finished them in one reading. It's a great mixture of humor, pity, cruelty, and includes a fair share of misspelled words and expletives. Below is my favorite post.
July 8: The Holy Grail

Finally, the Holy Grail of Gary correspondence: the drunken voicemail! I guess I slept through his call, but he was nice enough to leave a message. I’ll try to figure out how to get the actual voicemail on here in the morning. Having heard it, I think that it alone may catapult this blog to being bigger than google.

“Gabe… Gabe Dunn you little cunt, you little queer. If you think you’re going to get a uh a uh deposit refund from me…. kiss my fucking dick. I saw your little squirrelly ass… came in here today and didn’t have the balls to hand me your key, and I’m not sure it was your key, because I think you’re a little fucking … crook. I hope you rot in hell you cocksucker. (long pause) You little fucking dick. You little squirrelly bipolar dick…. I know you’re bipolar. You will not receive a refund of your stupid fucking deposit because you broke the contract you motherfucking little squirrelly dick. Take me to court you lying motherfucker. Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar. You let the cops in my house you fucking dick. Take me to small claims like you threatened me. You DICK. You fucking little tiny fucking dick. That’s what you are. You’re a little tiny dick from… Fermilab. Call me if you dare… dick!”

Finer points of this voicemail:

1) “…you broke the contract….” I’m assuming Gary is talking about the part of the contract that read, “if the cops show up to arrest me, the tenant is responsible for keeping me out of jail.” I knew I should have read that thing more carefully.

2) “Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar.” This part hit a little home because often times my queerness and bipolar disorder do cause me to forget things.

3) What could the purpose of this voicemail be other than to help me stockpile evidence for the ensuing court case?

There's a facebook page of the same name if you're into social networking or you can share your thoughts with Gabe at:

(From reddit)

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