Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearing
August 19th, 2008
1. barberFive things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthday
2. MUNI driver
3. flight attendant
4. kung-fu master
5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur
July 19th, 2008
1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume
Five more terrible fake reality TV shows
February 4th, 2008
1. Are You Smarter Than an Ottoman?
2. Project Segway
3. Would You Eat This for Money?
4. America’s Next Top Preclear
5. Who Wants to Be a Cultural Footnote?
Five ways Angelina Jolie can quickly acquire more children
January 31st, 2008
1. gestate auxiliary sets of twins in climate-controlled Fendi bags
2. make Brad build a big-ass gingerbread house
3. explore viability of controversial “dorsal carriage” (a/k/a “butt fetus”)
4. surreptitiously cruise Gymboree with mallet and a sack
5. lay excess eggs in what’s left of Sean Young
Five historical blog posts
January 25th, 2008
1. Moses: Top 10 Bulletproof Tips for Not Pissing-off The Lord (2 tablets - reg req.)
2. HOWTO: Some Guy Compares Thee to a Summer Day
3. Crazy Italian Dude Totally Draws on Pope’s Ceiling (DIGG THIS!!!!)
4. I CAN HAZ INVISIBLE THUMBSCREWZ? Top 50 LOLInquisiton Macros
5. BOOBIES - Hot Naked Chick Horses Around Coventry [PICS!]
Five things you did while MySpace was down
October 11th, 2006
1. repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
2. wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
3. idly doodled “Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte” in margins of your Consumer Math book
4. cutting — again with the cutting
5. imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)
Five kitchen tools that sound kind of dirty
July 14th, 2006
1. chocolate fountain
2. melon baller
3. meat baster
4. boning knife
5. corn holders
Five modifiers you might have intended when you just said “literally”
March 28th, 2006
1. completely
2. kind of
3. almost
4. not at all
5. figuratively
Five things you can bring along to help make the party all about you
January 11th, 2006
1. your doggie
2. your 12-string
3. your new Nikon
4. your puppet friend
5. Dianetics
Five rules of thumb
October 31st, 2005
1. The stupider your ringtone, the longer it will take you to answer your phone.
2. The twin miracles of childbirth and pet ownership render you unable to share one photo of anything.
3. If your vanity license plate makes any reference to the make of your vehicle, the people you work with despise you.
4. Ph.D.s who ask to be called “Doctor” should be prepared to refer to every college graduate as “Bachelor.”
5. If you own more than one Enya record you might as well buy all of them and make a little fort.
Five pet peeves about eating out with Ayn Rand
August 16th, 2005
1. claims moral right to tour kitchen, personally choosing objectively best pot pie available
2. even in large parties, always demands own itemized check
3. loudly proclaims that you could have had that last yeast roll if you weren’t so damned weak
4. only tips 3% (except for what she terms “heroic” service)
5. always farting and blaming it on “irrational” woman at next table
Five tips that comprise everything I know about digital photography
August 24th, 2004
1. Shoot at as high a resolution as is reasonable for your camera’s storage capacity
2. Make sure the light is coming from behind you (and the brighter the better)
3. Take two or more shots of each thing you photograph (you won’t believe how differently each turns out)
4. Shoot all closeups of people from above and at a 45° downward angle (enlarges eyes, reduces “meatbeard”)
5. When in doubt, use the slow-sync flash (aka “Rock and Roll Filter”)
Reader Jim from the praise section sums up my experience with the site:
"You completely wasted my day, you asshole.” — Jim
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